yomumon

Read English news, do listening and question practice.
英語 ニュース、 リーディング、 リスニング、 問題。
Three levels, from beginner to native!
ビギナー、　中級、　ネイティブレベルの英語。

http://yomumon.com/

Jackhammer

So we finally get inside the club. Coloured spotlights highlight an empty stage, and distorted music echoes over the speakers. This place looks like it used to be the height of fashion before all the shit started. None of these losers would have ever been let in here, 'cept maybe for a job cleaning out the toilets. Or the safe.
"Come here and have a drink" says one guy sitting under a neon beer light, handing me a plastic cup. Actually, I think it's the cap from a spray can.
"What is this shit?" i say. "Smells like gasoline."
"Tastes alright", he says.
"Oh yeah? What's it taste like?"
"Gasoline."
I drink it all in one go.
"I thought you'd like it", he says, picking me up off the floor.
"Jesus christ! What do you call this shit?"
"Jackhammer" he says.
"Why, is that what your head feels like the next morning?"
"Doesnt take that long. But that's not why we call it Jackhammer. It's got little bits of busted up cement in it. Dont ask."
"You should call it diesel. If you run out of gas, you could run that generator with this stuff."
"If we run out of gas, brother, we'll just drink in the dark."
"Drink enough of this stuff," I say, "and you'll be drinking in the dark on a fucking sunny day."

Welcome to the clubhouse

Zed and I finally get the gas and head for Club Frankland. He tells me him and his boys like to party.
"We do a lot of drinking." he says. "and we fight. Clean up the streets. But mostly just the drinking."
Sounds like my kinda place.
Only we get there and theres a whole buncha rotters trying to get in too. Theyve torn down most of the piled up makeshift barricades. The dudes inside are just laughing and taking potshots, drunk off their faces.
"Buncha drunk arseholes." i say. "WHY DONTCHA KILL THEM FUCKERS SO WE CAN GET INSIDE" I yell.
As one the zombies turn and come for us.
"Good one." says Zed. "Real smooth."
I use the time it takes them to shamble over to search for a better weapon. I find a loaded flare gun on a dead body, then I spot a nice looking axe coming towards us.
"Im gonna get that axe" i say.
"I dont think its a good one" says Zed.
"Why not?" i ask.
"Its got no stopping power."
I dont care. I walk over. The shambling zombie tries to eat me but the axe sticking out of his face gets in the way. I put my leg on his chest, grab it with two hands and yank the axe free from his head. On the second pull. Okay, third. Anyway his head erupts in a shower of blood. Its all sticky, brown and slightly congealed. The zombie falls down, and i run cursing back over to Zed, the guys inside all pointing and laughing.
"Man, that shits not gonna come out man. Smells like shit." says Zed.
"Yeah." i say. "Tastes pretty bad too."
"Okay." says Zed. "What we gonna do about them?"
"Why dont you give our friends over there a little gas" i say, showing him the flare gun.
He throws the can over. I take aim, trying to think of something cool to say.
"If you cant stand the heat," i say, "dont let people throw gas on you and then shoot you with a flare gun."

So Zed and I are heading over to this place hes got.
"Classy joint?" I say.
"Used to be a club before all this." he says. "Its alright. Hey, theres an old auto shop near here, i wanna go by and pick up a can o gas for the generator."
So we go. Only theres this rotter hanging around outside, looking for a way in.
"I'll take care of this" says Zed.
"Now you hang on Just a minute. I know that guy."
"You mean, knew him. He's dead now."
The zombie looks at us as if we were a can of beans that just needed opening. I hate beans.
"Yeah yeah, right. Knew him." I say. "He used to be in my class at school. I hate that fucker."
"Hated...."
"Yeah, whatever."
The rotbag starts shambling towards us. If we had to, we could run away. Or even walk.
"Im gonna take care o this one." I say, walking over to the rotter. Man he stinks. I raise the bat. Just then the he dives forward. Okay, falls. Bastard tries to chew my ankle. I cant shake it free, till I kick him enough with my one free leg. As he stands up again, and I hit him square in the head with a full swing.
He just looks at me.
"You want some help there with that one?" asks Zed.
"Nah I got it." I say.
All of a sudden this car comes round the corner, these douchebags hanging out the window. They spot us, and the zombie, and let out a whole lotta shots towards us from these dinky little handguns theyre carrying. They speed off screaming and carrying on like frat boys.
"You okay Zed?"
"Yeah. Didnt hit me. You?"
"Me either" I say. "They at least hit the rotter?"
"Nope. They got the wall over there some." He points to a dirty statue outside the old fast food joint. "Colonel sanders got hit pretty bad."
"Yeah, but he had it coming" I say. I finish the job off with a few swings of the baseball bat. The Colonel just looks at me. I need to get a better weapon.
"Hey, whered that zombie go" i ask.
"Shit, I dunno. He's gone now."
"Oh, shit. I really wanted to kill that guy."
"Hes already dead" says Zed.
"Would you shut up with that will ya? For fucks sake."
Zed walks over to me. He looks pissed. Just now I remember hes the one with the hand cannon while im standing there trying out for the yankees.
"Want a drink?" he says.
We sit down and have a drink of some piss that hes carrying.
"Im gonna get that fucker" I say. "He used to cheat in math class."
"He cheated off of you?" says Zed disbelievingly.
"Not exactly" i say. "I was the teacher."
Zed laughs hysterically.
"Shut up you. Im gonna get that fucker. You'll see. He'll not live to see another day."

convenience store

So those arseholes didnt let me in. I started looking for a place to crash, but I found a convenience store instead. I open a can of peaches and a bottle of whiskey. Least I think its whiskey. I cant taste real good no more.
After breakfast I feel a little better.
Im trying to remember what happened last night ... i think I was .... there was a guy .... with a .... thing ... he looked alright but then...
Fuck I dont know.
Now this guy walks in the store. He looks just like Burt Reynolds from smokey and the bandit. He's breathing, I think. Looks like shit.
"You look like shit" I say.
"Yeah, well, my wife left me" he says.
"Yeah? Maybe if you didnt look like such a piece a shit she woulda stayed."
"Hey, fuck you pal."
"Fuck me? Thats what your wife did."
"Yeah right. " he says. "She was a frigid little bitch even when she was alive. Just used to lie there."
"Well she was into it with me. Moaning and everything."
We stared at each other.
"Names Wendal." I say. "Nice to meet ya."
"Shaun. Call me Zed. Want a drink?"
He goes over and starts eating a can of beans or something. I hate beans. I start flicking through the dirty mags. Theres a picture of this girl in the shower.
"This your wife?" i say.
He looks at it. "I wish." Then, a little later, he says "Fuck me."
"I know huh. Been a long time."
"Hot water and everything." he says.
I search the store some more and find a baseball bat behind the counter. It'll do in a pinch. Zed tells me he's got this nice place, boarded up, generator and everything. Sounds alright. I'll go check it out. Beats waking up on the street in my own piss again.

hangover's a bitch

I woke up today on the street covered in piss. That was about 5 minutes ago. I hope the piss is from me. Something about the blood on my sleeve tells me only half of its mine.
The sign on the street says chown avenue. What a dump. The whole place is trashed. It smells so bad im gonna throw up. I need a drink. I start looking for a bar. There's a cemetery over there. Got some dead people in it. Theyre coming this way.
Oh right. The rotters.
I remember now. Got to get inside. Wait, there's a bottle over there.
Damn, its empty. I keep the bottle and search for a building that isnt all boarded up. Buncha assholes, I can see em inside, sitting around checking the windows and smoking cigarettes.
"HEY ASSHOLE, HOW ABOUT A CIGARETTE?" I yell.
"FUCK OFF!" He says.
"YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?" I shout.
"NAH, I KISS YOURS" he says.
"MY MOTHERS DEAD YOU SICK FUCK" I yell.
"I KNOW. HERE SHE COMES NOW." He says pointing behind me.
I turn around, and dear old mom looks like shes coming in for a hug and kiss, arms wide open, and the bitch tries to bite my ear off. She's hungry. I smash her in the face with the bottle. It breaks. She falls down a bit.
"You're not my real mom anyway." I say, as I place my foot down on her head. I hear her neck snap wetly and quietly, like a chicken bone with the meat still on. The wishbone.
"I wanna pony" I say.
I really need a drink.